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Higher Ideals Inc. has developed a drug called "Crystal Catalyst". This is the ORIGINAL Wyoming formula, not some cheap knock off. It helps plants grow faster, kills fleas on pets, heals sunburn, and increases vitamin absorption 75%! Crystal Catalyst is available from Higher Ideals in capsule and tablet form and needs no refrigeration.
George Dorn is screaming his head off because he recently won the Presidents Award for Mentally Challenged Americans (PAMCAM). The team of behavorial scientists from Stanford University that trained him for three long years to stop crapping in his underwear accepted the award on his behalf at the ceremony. "He really deserves this award." said team leader Hagbard Celine. "He hasn't defecated in his undergarments for nearly three weeks!" Dorn could not attend the ceremony because he was locked in solitary confinement for eating his own feces. 1aundr0mat wishes George Dorn good luck with his new skill and the scientists with the task of training him to not eat his own shit.
Gee.. look at the time, it's almost 4pm! Just think of all the things I have to acquire yet today! I can't believe it's almost 4pm! Time sure does fly when you have to get so many things. I remember when things were simply dropped in my lap. Things are different now, I have to seek things out, consume things. Consume more, buy more and be happy.
Chrysler Corporation of America announced Monday that their 1998 line of vehicles will be equipped with nuke proof blast doors as standard equipment. Newly appointed CEO, Rev. Ivan Stang, explained the startling new strategy as "a logical ammenity for SubGeni and Normals wishing to wander the post-apocalyptic wasteland after X-Day." The added expense of six to eight hundred-thousand dollars will place Chrysler vehicles well out of the economic range of most American families.
Twenty-three thousand employees of ABC World News Tonight were laid off Wednesday when Disney stock failed to perform as expected. Market analysts expected a 5% increase in profit from last quarter's record earnings of 3.2 billion dollars, but the stock fell 3¾ points in heavy trading. The laid off employees' bitterness was quelled when all were given their choice of FREE passes to Disney World, Disney Land or Universal Studios Theme Park.

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